Today's award goes out to every single American driver, almost without exception.

The standard of driving in the states is lamentable. People, who in the real world, wouldn't be trusted with a padded spoon are given full control of a V8 pickup truck the size of a double decker bus (not the mention the various guns they're probably carrying). It appears that US drivers spend ~30 hours learning about driving in a classroom before they're allowed into the real world, but I've got no idea what the hell these lessons cover, probably just 'How to drink a super-slurpee whilst flipping someone off'.

My journey today from Washington to 'Middle of nowhere' should have taken three hours. It took five. Not because I got lost, but because the traffic was regularly stopped on the Interstate. According to the radio this was due to 'Congestion'. Bollocks it bloody was. It was due to the fact that all American drivers are complete Dickheads.

Here are a few illustrations of the American Driver.

Their major fear is empty road. It's either a fear of tarmac that's unencumbered by an oversized American sedan, or a desperate desire to shove their head up the person in front's arse. There can be no other explanation for why they drive so close together. Whether they're driving at 10mph or 80mph, they'll leave a gap that's so small you'd need an electron microscope to find it. As a result, when one of them tries to bleed a little bit of speed off by tapping the brakes, the guy behind nearly ends up in the boot of the preceding car and slams his brakes on in reaction. This cascades nicely down the road until we're all stationary and I'm planning some hate crimes.

Ah yes, the brakes. Americans seem blissfully unaware that to use the brakes on a nice free-flowing road like an Interstate is basically equivalent to flashing a sign on your car saying 'My brain is so small I have trouble putting trousers on'. They'll swerve into your lane (into that nice gap you're using to protect yourself from the car in front slamming on his brakes) and then slam their brakes on (There was a reason that gap was there, Arsehole!). Why? Fuck knows. Maybe it's a mating ritual for retards.

This neatly brings me to lane discipline. They haven't got a fucking clue what those white lines on the road are for. Sure, they're basically able to go in a straight line for up to 20 yards at a time, but then something twitches in the small mass of material that passes for their brain and they bounce left or right into another lane. Why, that lane might be moving slightly faster. I'm not even going to get into their inability to overtake on the left, preferring instead to undertake everyone wherever possible - even when you're in the act of moving over (I've had one guy skip across three lanes, rather than wait for me to move a lane to the right). However, when the traffic is slow, this gets even worse. Some of the people on the Interstate were easily doubling the distance they were travelling by skipping lanes so frequently. As soon as they felt that their lane wasn't the fastest, they'd jump into the next one. No need to wait for a gap, they'd just switch on the magic flashing lights that make people get out of your way and then jab the wheel thingy over to one side. This would inevitably set off another brake cascade (and some more eloquent swearing from myself).

The great thing about American cars is that they always have cruise control. This is great. You get to the speed you want to be going (speed limit plus a bit), flick a switch and bam! You're moving at a steady speed and can put your feet up on the dashboard and relax. These systems are clever, they aim to maintain a steady speed, so increase the revs slightly when going uphill and the opposite when going down a slope. Americans, despite being legendary lovers of labour saving devices, are often unable to use cruise control. They instead prefer to just jam their foot on the accelerator at a fixed angle, holding the revs constant. This leads to the obvious conclusion. You slowly over-take them on the flat or move past them quite quickly when going uphill, only to find that as soon as the other side of the hill appears they're parked on your back seat and flashing their lights wondering why you've slowed down. I've not slowed down, you illiterate badger fiddler, you've sped up.


So, solutions to this problem:
- Well, obviously, all Americans should be made to drive proper manual cars. Their tiny brains will mostly be unable to get them out of the drive, so real people will be free to move around the country in peace.
- No BMWs should be exported to America. These people are mad enough as it is, putting them in a Beamer just multiplies the problem. It's an unholy union of dickheadedness.
- All vehicles' power should be directly proportional to the IQ of the driver (or the lowest IQ of the people on board). An average driver should be allowed an average amount of power, say: 50 bhp. At 110, you're allowed double that, at 120 double again (so 200 bhp) and so on (in both directions. If you still want a thirty tonne pick-up truck fine. But you'll probably be pushing it with a 12.5 bhp engine.

It's probably just a sign of the whole 'Individuality' of the country. No-one is able to drive in a fashion which doesn't do them any direct favours, but makes the traffic around them flow easier because their tiny brains are too weak and feeble to understand how it may benefit them in the long run.

And remember, these are the people voting for the leader of the 'Free' World in November. God help us all.